Stuff I wrote at work.

If you're looking for new content, you're in the wrong place. I have moved to live journal!

Go to: www.livejournal.com/users/alnowatzki

Nothing against blogspot, but I'm a feedback whore and I like for people to be able to comment on my posts.

See you on LJ!

al

Here’s an interesting letter from a friend in response to the Kooky Bible Quote from 3/7/04.
____

Hi Al,

Thanks again for the kooky Bible quote. It got me reading. I dusted off my old Bible from my Sunday School days. I found something very interesting in Exodus 21:22-23. In these verses it distinguishes between an unborn child and a mother. "If some men are fighting and hurt a pregnant woman so that she loses her child, but she is not injured in any other way, the one who hurt her is to be fined whatever amount the woman's husband demands, subject to the approval of the judges. But if the woman herself is injured, the punishment shall be life for life."

Do you see how it distinctly says the value of the woman's life is worth much more than the value of the unborn child? This is directly contradictory to what the Catholic Church and many opponents of abortion say. They say that an unborn child is a human life like any other. The Bible says otherwise. I find that strange and disturbing. I'm not really for abortion because I don't think it's fair (I think the unborn child should get a shot at life), but I also think that it's a decision that pregnant women have to make, not me.

Congratulations on the birth of your niece. She has a beautiful name!! ;)

Damon
_____

He makes a damn fine point. Bible bangers always point out laws from Exodus and Leviticus to prove their points, but Exodus 21:22-13 is definitely one that they stay away from. Whether you're anti-abortion or pro-choice, you have to admit that this passage is a land mine when talking about abortion in a religious context.

Damon’s four-month-old daughter (who is just as cute as a little button) is also named Ella, hence the winking emoticon.

I e-mailed Damon back and asked if I could post his e-mail on my blog, to which he replied:
_____

Al,

That's fine if you want to post that on your blog. I was just amazed at some of the things I read in Exodus and Leviticus. I found the section in Leviticus about what's permissible for sexual conduct and it certainly is an eye opener. My version of the Bible actually says something like "Don't have sexual intercourse with another man. God hates that." I almost laughed out loud when I read that. It also mentions that if a man has sex with an animal that the animal as well as the man should be killed. Did you see the part about how a woman who gives birth to a daughter is unclean for two weeks and is not to be touched, lest ye also be unclean?

Have a good day,

Damon
_____

And since I’m posting e-mails from friends, here’s an excerpt of an e-mail I received from my friend Kerz.
_____

Al,

So you called last week. I didn't call you back. I did not call you back because I am cheap, and because I work when normal people are at home, petting their Shar Peis in front of the fireplace, puffing long black cigarettes, listening to Dan Fogelberg, playing their XBoxes, and watching "The O'Reilly Factor" (which I recently learned has nothing to do with the impact of Irish immigration).

Sucks about att's finger. Read it in the blog. I knew that kid was trouble. Anyway, I've been racking my brain for jokes about it, and I can't think of anything. The only consolation I can give is that both Tony Iommi (Black Sabbath) and Jerry Garcia (if I need to tell you, you're a baaaaaaad music fan) were missing parts of their fingers and they were both fine guitarists. So, let att know that.

Kerz
_____

I didn’t ask Kerz if I could put his e-mail on this blog. If he doesn’t like it then he can consider it punishment for not calling me back.

If anyone else has thoughts, comments, criticisms on the blog, feel free to e-mail at alnowatzki2@hotmail.com

Thanks for reading!

Kooky Bible Quote for 3/7/04
----
The last Kooky Bible Quote I sent out was in regards to Christians working on Sundays, even though one of the Ten Commandments expressly forbids it. Well, I read that whole section of Exodus today and guess what? There are more than ten commandments.

So I did a rough count of all the laws laid down by Moses right after his trip up the mountain and I came up with about 40 commandments.

Moses said, after giving the first 10 laws, "There are other laws you must obey." Exodus 21:1

Among those are:

Exodus 21:17 "Anyone who reviles or curses his mother or father shall surely be put to death."

I guess this commandment only pertains to sons. Oh, and it doesn't matter if your parents are assholes, or they molest you or beat you. You curse them, you die.

Exodus 21:20-21 "If a man beats his slave to death -- whether the slave is male or female -- that man shall surely be punished. However, if the slave does not die for a couple days, then the man shall not be punished -- for the slave is his property."

But if it takes four days for the slave to die, it's all good?

Exodus 21:24-25 "If her eye is injured, injure his; if her tooth is knocked out, knock out his; and so on -- hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, lash for lash."

How does an "eye for an eye" mesh with Jesus's commandment to "turn the other cheek". Does God change his mind? If so, then why the hell are the ten commandments hanging up in Christian churches?

Exodus 22:18 "A sorceress shall be put to death."

How about a sorcerer?

Exodus 22:28 "You shall not blaspheme God, nor curse government officials -- your judges and your rulers."

I can't curse my government officials? Well fuck George Bush. There, I'm going to hell.

Those are some pretty ridiculous commandments if you ask me.

Now I'm not saying that all 40 commandments are crap. There are a few out of the 40 that I think are great rules. I'm a big fan of "Thou shalt not kill," and "Thou shalt not steal."

Here are a few more that I like:

Exodus 23:6 "A man's poverty is no excuse for twisting justice against him."

Exodus 23:8 "Take no bribes, for a bribe makes you unaware of what you clearly see! A bribe hurts the cause of the person who is right."

Exodus 23:9 "Do not oppress a foreigner; you know what it's like to be a foreigner; remember your own experience in the land of Egypt."

Now those are some commandments I'd like to see posted on the front steps of courthouses and city halls. I think those are great commandments, and a helluva lot more relevant than keeping the Sabbath day holy.

peace,


al

It’s time for a free association blog!

I think that laughing at monkeys because they look funny is almost a form of racism. Ohhh, look at the monkey dance, he looks so much like us! Ohhh, look at the darkie dance, he looks so much like us!

Racism is still a main dividing factor in our country. I think that discriminating against homosexuals is no different than discriminating against blacks or Latinos. Same thing.

It saddens me that a lot of recent immigrants get caught up in the jingoism and hyper-patriotism that seem so prevalent in America today. Many people who are discriminated against (in the past and present) insist on discriminating against others. And so the vicious cycle perpetuates itself.

I worked with a guy once that said that when he has children he’s going to beat them (and he wasn’t talking about spanking). Who the fuck makes that decision BEFORE they have kids? He was a younger guy, about 25 or so. He said that he was whupped when he was growing up and he’s going to whup his kids. I asked him if he enjoyed being whupped and what he learned from it. He just laughed and said, “I learned that it hurts like hell to get whupped.” To which I replied, “Please, for the sake of society, do not procreate.” He was so slow that he wasn’t even offended; he just laughed and started talking about Cowboy Bebop (which really gives Cowboy Bebop a bad name).

Bush really needs to go. I can’t even imagine the amount of euphoria I will feel if/when he loses in November. Even if it will be the foolish guttural euphoria people feel when the home team wins a game. It’s almost like I’ll be happier because I’ll be validated and not because the nation will be better off ... which it will.

Does that make sense?

My fiancée and I took part in Super Tuesday on ... Tuesday. It was an interesting learning experience. I put my straw in for Kucinich and then a bunch of people with ideals of the Green Party voted for Kerry. So it goes.

There was an abundance of liberal energy in that room. It’s always reassuring to be surrounded by people you don’t have to tip-toe around. There were, however, some Hmong people there that voted against same-sex marriage, hence the previous mention of minorities discriminating against minorities.

But then I think what a blanket statement that is. Am I actually suggesting that all the minorities should stick together and help each other out? Why should a straight Native American care about the rights of a lesbian? Well, I’m not suggesting that minorities should stick together BECAUSE of their minority status. What I’m saying is that you would think (or I would) that after experiencing discrimination first hand, minorities would show more empathy toward other minorities.

But no, I hear a black woman at work criticizing other black people because they’re not Christians. “He’s not even a Christian,” she says, as if “knowing Jesus” is a prerequisite for a valid existence.

What makes a valid existence? Woody Harrelson said in an interview a long time ago that he believes that the best thing someone can do in their lives is to not change anything. He said that if everyone from the beginning of time would have believed this then the world would be a utopia.

Yeah, great idea Woody. See the problem is, people didn’t act that way from The Beginning, and now a lot of people are working to right their wrongs. Woody would then reply that when people try to right wrongs they usually just end up committing more wrongs. Then I would disagree and ask him what it was like to work with George Whent.

So Haiti, huh? Straight outta left field: Bam! HAITI, and don’t you forget it!!!!

What ever happened to East Timor anyway?

I can’t believe that the Bush administration actually supported the ousting of a democratically elected official. If they’re not careful they’re going to give We the People the wrong impression, like a) The U.S. is policing the globe now more than it did in the Clinton years, even though one of Bush’s main election-year-2000 platforms was anti-policing, b) The U.S. supports the ousting of democratically elected officials as long as they’re doing a shitty job (here’s looking at you, W.) and c) Woody Harrelson was right.

I just got a call from a friend last night that teaches in California. He was considering journalism and wanted to learn a little bit about the field from me. And that’s funny, because I’ve been thinking about going back to school for teaching. And it’s even funnier because my sister went to school to be an English teacher, spent about three years working for American Express and then went back to school for Gerontology. I went to school for Photography, have worked for a year at a job somewhat like my sisters old American Express job, and I want to go back to school to teach.

The moral of the story is this: No one ever knows what they want to be until they do what they think they wanted to do and then find out they want to do something else so they do that and then they say, “Screw it!” and go back to school for what they felt they should have done in the first place.

It’s a long moral.

I just had a pretty bad day at work. Do you want to know how bad (no I didn't lose a finger)?

This bad: I just bought a bottle of Mountain Dew. I haven't had a Mountain Dew since June of 2002.

Actually, the day wasn't that bad. I've had worse. But something about it just made me want a pop. So I put a dollar into the machine and I was going to buy a Pepsi, but then my hand just went for the Dew. I actually said out loud, "Fuck it," and hit the button for Dew.

I feel like I'm a lapsing addict. Like I just hit the rock again after years of just smoking pot.

But it's only one Dew. I won't make a habit of it.

I talked with Matt last night and he explained the whole tip-of-right-finger-amputation ordeal in gory detail.

Some highlights:
He didn’t pass out and remained calm the whole time.
The incident happened at 5 a.m. and he didn’t feel any pain until about 8 a.m.
If he wouldn't have pulled his hand back, he would have lost the whole thing.
Not only could he see his bone, but it was fully exposed while the rest of his finger hung by a vein.
Someone had a cell-phone camera and took a photo of it, which Matt said he’ll e-mail to anyone interested once he has it in his possession.

As prophesized in my previous post, Matt has a couple contributions to the “LIST OF THINGS MATT CAN DO AND CHANGES HE WILL HAVE TO GET USED TO NOW THAT HE HAS THE TIP OF HIS RIGHT INDEX FINGER AMPUTATED” (he may have more later).

•One less fingernail to clip (this is one of the first things that Matt said to the doctor after he found out about the impending amputation).

•Instead of “Give me five!” he will say “Give me four and three quarters!”

Sorry, but the logical bastard in me needs to state that someone would say that to Matt and not the other way around, but who cares.

In case anyone is wondering about finger prosthetics, here are a few websites that I found with a quick search. Here, here and here.

My fiancée and I went to see my niece this weekend. She is so damn cute. She has these really long fingers and toes. She likes to stick her tongue out and make little noises. Of course the second I held her she started screaming loudly, but she eventually settled down and sort of slept in my arms.

But enough about my fiancée .... (cue groans from the crowd)

Little Ella was just radiating heat too. No wonder she has to eat every three hours, she just pours out energy.

In other family news, my little brother Matt got the tip of his right index finger mangled in a machine at work on Sunday morning. They had to amputate it down to somewhere around the end knuckle (the knuckle closest to the tip of the finger). I left a message on his cell-phone offering my condolences, but I haven’t had a chance to talk to him yet. My message said that I would send him a “sorry you lost part of your finger” condolence card, but I didn’t think I could find one.

A tried and true comedic formula states:

Tragedy + Time = Comedy

Well, it’s been almost a day and a half since Matt’s accident, so here we go. Here’s my:

“LIST OF THINGS MATT CAN DO AND CHANGES HE WILL HAVE TO GET USED TO NOW THAT HE HAS THE TIP OF HIS RIGHT INDEX FINGER AMPUTATED”

• At sporting events he’ll yell, “We’re number ... three fourths!”

• When he types his name from now on, it will be: atthew owatzki (his middle name is Lynn, so that will be “L”).

• He will now bite his fingernails only nine tenths of the time (he actually doesn’t bite his fingernails at all, but oh well).

• Trust me, the absence of an abrasive nail on his right index finger will be very appealing to women ... if you get my meaning ... and I think you do.

• He can freak out strangers (especially the sheltered little kids) in church when he shakes their hands.

Little Boy: “Peace be with you.”
Matt: “Peace be with – oh my God! What did you do to my finger!?”

That’s all I got for now. If you can think of anything else just e-mail it to me at alnowatzki2@hotmail.com. I’m expecting the funniest ideas to come from atthew himself.

I need to state here that I have no ill feeling toward my little bro and I don't really see this as making fun of him. I love the guy. This is just how our family deals with bad news. Either we laugh about it, or we don’t talk about it at all. I think the former is better for everyone.

And hey, if it makes you feel any better, it took me about an hour and a half to get to sleep last night because I couldn’t stop thinking about the pain he must have went through and the time it will take to adjust to life without the top fourth of his right index finger. Of course I was also formulating jokes, but hey...

Oh, in case you didn't click on it the first time, here's another link to a photo of my niece.

I find myself running into the same problem that I did when I was writing columns for the Dakota Student while at UND. No, not that I can’t get any lovin’. No, not that I get three hours of sleep a night. No, those problems are taken care of.

I find myself with nothing to write about. Oh sure, there’s the usual George Bush hoopla. I suppose I could write about his absurd amendment that will limit the rights of a specific group of the population.

Seriously, I can’t believe that I am witnessing this crap. In 50 years our president will be judged in history books as a war-mongering, money-grubbing, gay-bashing sorry excuse for a president. He will be lumped with the pro-segregationist folks and the anti-interracial marriage folks.

And in case you feel like accusing me of Republican-bashing: Screw Clinton for signing the Defense of Marriage Act in the first place. Man, the Green Party is looking better and better every day.

So yeah, there’s that I guess.

And then I’m tempted to write about my niece, who will be born any hour now. But I realize that people may read this who don’t give two flying fish about my future niece. Well those people will just have to suffer.

Ella (that’s her name) is going to grow up in a world that is so amazingly different from the one I grew up (am still growing up) in, and I’m only 25. There are the obvious differences: She will never know a world without the internet. She will probably never drive a car without cruise control. When she plays slug-buggy with her friends, family and cousins, they’ll be referring to the new Bugs (which will be old by then) because the old ones will be officially extinct. She’ll be exposed to new and improved viruses and have access to new and improved medicines. Oh, and she’ll travel in tubes, take vacations to the moon and order food from robot waiters.

So yeah, there are technological advances and medicinal advances that will serve her well. But what about social advances? What about advances in the political systems? Advances in the way governments conduct business and trade with regards to human rights and fair pay? What about advances in the field of the human mind and spirit?

I want big things for Ella. I want her to make groundbreaking discoveries about the nature of herself. I want her to be a light for her friends, family and strangers, and I want her to recognize the light in others. I want her to be an independent voice in a sea of sheep. I want her to make as much money as a man with the same job title. I want her to get married to another female if she wishes it. I want her to be happy.

Which brings me back to ol’ George W. If this regressive amendment actually passes (of which there is no chance, but that still doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen ... I mean G.W. did win the election without winning the election. The friggin’ bastard doesn’t even exist within the realm of elementary logic!) then...

Hey! Hey! My mom just called and I’m an UNCLE! Whoo hooo!

Ella Nowatzki is her name (as previously mentioned). Born at 2:51 P.M. on 2/26/04. I can’t wait to meet her. She’s 22 inches long, 7 lbs. 12 oz. full of potential and instantly loved by all.

I forgot what I was writing about.

The sky is no longer the limit. People have the power. There will always be other presidents and I’m not going to let the current one get me down.

Shine that little light, Ella.

In regards to the topic of stem cell research and cloned embryos:

If we all sat around and waited for God to play God, nothing would ever get done.

I don’t think anybody really likes abortion, right? I mean, you don’t hear people walking down the street talking about how they think abortion is cool and they wish there were more abortions and that they can’t wait to get an abortion. So I’m going to assume we can agree that it’s something that, in an ideal world, wouldn’t happen. But (and this is really the first time I have ever put a “but” after my statement that abortion is not a good thing), don’t we do the equivalent every day?

Here’s my thing (please stay with me here): I’m a vegan, which means that I choose to respect animal life. I’m an animal lover, not an animal eater (please, leave the easy bestiality jokes alone). Now most people aren’t animal lovers. Most people are animal eaters (if you say you are both than you are a hypocrite, face it).

Most animal eaters like pork. Pork comes from pigs. Pigs have intelligence equivalent to at least a one year old (I think ... I don’t have the exact statistic). They’re smart OK? They’re fourth on the intelligence list. It goes humans, primates, dolphins/whales, pigs.

When I kill the spider crawling in my shower, I am exterminating a life that has more instinct and problem-solving skills than a four day old fetus. There’s a better chance that a spider can feel pain than there is that a four day old fetus can.

OK. So what everyone is saying now (and I have to admit that a part of me thinks the same thing) is that a four day old fetus has the potential to become a fully realized human being that could one day cure cancer. Two points on that: One: There will never be a cure for cancer. Two: He or she could also be the next Hitler.

Do you really want to take that chance?!

Joking, joking.

Wouldn’t that be great though, if we could have conducted a true preemptive strike on Saddam - getting him before he ever got out of the womb? Now THERE’S an abortion that the neo-cons could get behind. I guess we did pull him reluctantly out of a hole anyway. Oh my god, my fianceé is going to be so mad that I wrote that.

I digress. The point I was making it that it’s not your place to deny life to an intelligent being. So you should probably take that pork out of your mouth. And you should stop eating tuna, because dolphins are killed in the tuna-fishing process. And dolphins are friggin’ smart. Hell a chicken is smarter than a six month old fetus, hands down!

So it comes back to the fact that they are not humans, but we are. Well, what makes a human life so special? Do we just care about humans because we are humans? And if so, is that a survival instinct. And if we operate on survival instincts, then how the fuck do you explain the fucking A-Bomb? We will survive by killing ourselves?

My point is this: We are beyond instinct. Sure, we can try to access our ancestral roots by going camping, but we’ll drive there on a ROAD in a CAR with PLANES flying overhead and CELL PHONES going off. And you can shut your phone off and shut your car off and walk to a place with no roads and no planes flying overhead. But you’ll still be camping in a TENT. And even if you truly rough it and sleep on the ground and cover yourself with leaves, you’ll still eventually go back to talking on your cell-phone in your car on the road.

So I don’t think we can really use survival of the species instinct as an excuse for killing animals for food. But this wasn’t supposed to be about food. It was supposed to be about abortion. So we put more importance on the unintelligent life of a four day old fetus than we do on a smart little pig because of ... what?

I’m not arguing for abortion, though it may seem that I am. Remember, I don’t eat animals. But if I did, I don’t think I could make a good case against abortion other than the standard, “Life begins at conception!” drivel that the billboards seem to love. I don’t care when life begins to tell you the truth, I care more about when it ends. What I really care about is suffering. Will a cloned embryo suffer? Will a two week old fetus suffer? Will a spider suffer? Will a pig suffer? Will an eight month old fetus suffer? Will a starving Somalian suffer?

Will you click on and read any of those links?

If I had a band, it's name would be "PROLE".

I already have an insignia and everything. It would look great as a bumper sticker.

Hey, anyone wanna start a band? I have the name if you have the talent.

The Fourth Commandment:

“Remember to observe the Sabbath as a holy day. Six days a week are for your daily duties and your regular work, but the seventh day is a day of Sabbath rest before the Lord your God. On that day you are to do no work of any kind, nor shall your son, daughter, or slaves – whether men or women – or your cattle or your house guests. For in six days the Lord made the heaven, earth, and sea, and everything in them, and rested the seventh day; so he blessed the Sabbath day and set it aside for rest.” Exodus 20:8-11

So how many of you watched the Super Bowl this Sunday? Two teams, locked in a gritty battle for glory on the gridiron, forever damned to hell unless they repent their sins. Who cares who wins, they’re all going to burn in the end!

Seriously though, this is one of the Ten Commandments. This is on the same list as, “Thou shall not kill,” and “Thou shall not steal.” These laws are hanging up in every Christian church in existence.

Do you believe that God gave us those commandments? If so, I’m glad that you joined me last night in boycotting the Super Bowl. If you believe that the Ten Commandments came from God, then I’m sure that you don’t go shopping on Sundays, and you don’t fill up on gas during the Sabbath either. Because by shopping, getting gas and watching that other Sunday religion – football – you are, in fact, contributing to sin … and I think that counts as you sinning.

Sinner!

You are SO going to hell unless you get thee to a confessional. Or you can just repent on your deathbed … unless you die during the Super Bowl. Then you’re screwed.


If you would like to be taken off this list, then stop yo’ sinnin’ foo! If you want to add anyone to the “Kooky Bible Quote of the Week (…or whenever)” list, just give me their e-mail address and I’ll add them.

Peace,

al

Here's a passage from a Miami Herald story (1/27/03):

"Cheney, who was seated on the pope's right, presented the pope with a dove made of glass, which the pontiff stroked."

Sorry, but the pope stroking anything is just a priceless image.

It goes on:

"John Paul gave Cheney a set of 20 silver medals with reproductions of masterpieces from the Vatican and presented Lynne Cheney, the vice president's wife, and daughter Liz silver rosaries and medals."

I find it amusing that Cheney would present the dove and the Pope John Paul would be giving away medals.

When you think about it, Earth really is a fucked-up place.

So yeah, Mad Cow Disease huh? Wow, that's some wacky stuff. I hear humans say that it's no big deal, because they can't contract Mad Cow from eating a cow (unless you get some brain or spinal cord mixed in with your cooked muscle). It only kills cows, not humans.

First of all, isn't that just like humans? "It doesn't matter, because it doesn't effect us." The Butterfly Effect isn't just a movie with Ashton Kutcher, it's a concept that effects us all.

A night of awkward copulation between George Sr. and Barbara Bush led to hundreds of American soldiers and thousands of innocent Iraqis dead.

By neutering a cat, you are preventing the suffering of countless cats to come.

By teaching realistic sex-ed in school, you are preventing countless abortions.

By turning our heads from Mad Cow disease we allow factory farming to continue, thus damning our environment and (many say) our health in the process.

So yeah. Mad Cow. Think about it.

It's the Chinese New Year.
It's the 31st anniversary of Roe v. Wade.
It's my 25th birthday.

Did anyone watch the State of the Union address?

How about Bush's scathing indictment of ... professional athletes using steroids? What the hell? Where the fuck did that come from?

So what kills more people per year, steroids or cigarettes? And while he was talking about kids using drugs why didn't he include cigarettes?

Steroids, marijuana, cocaine and heroin deaths put together don't equal the amount of cigarette-related deaths in the United States (I have no statistics to back this up and I'm confident that I don't need them).

So why no mention of the horrors of smoking? Oh yeah, I forgot, Big Tobacco owns a third of the Republican Party (the other two thirds are owned by the Christian Coalition and the NRA).

Holy shit I fucking hate the right.

It is time now to announce a winner in the "What we Should do to Saddam" contest.

Drum roll please ...

Fine! Don't friggin' drum roll! Dammit, all I ask is for a little cooperation people!

Anyway, the winner is ... Matt Long! Here is the best punishment for Saddam Hussein.

"Send him back to Iraq as a civilian; we'll accidentally kill him sometime probably in the next week."

I want to thank everyone for your overwhelmingly adequate response to this contest.

I will now forward this suggestion on to Karl Rove, who will implant the idea into George Bush via neural implant that was installed many years ago (5 years) when Dubya was comatose after getting coked out of his gourd.

"We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people."

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
From "Letter from Birmingham Jail," April 16, 1963

We have a new submission in the "What we Should do to Saddam" contest. This one comes from my sister, Anne Nowatzki. Anne is currently attending graduate school in Mankato, Minnesota. Here is her punishment for Saddam:

"Make him attend graduate school at MSU."

So ... that's my sister's contribution. Thanks Anne. Great stuff.

I would love to see Saddam going for a masters in gerontology. He could study the effect living in a hole has on the aging process. Or, he could get his masters in business and we could make a ruthless capitalist out of him. Then we could send him back to Iraq and put him back in power. So instead of being a dictator who kills insurgents, he could be an economic leader, a shill for the great Satan, who ignores the poor and kills people through horrible management of the economy.

Let the seeds of our great democracy spread throughout the world!

peace,

al

I'm going to start posting my Kooky Bible Quote of the Week on here, as well as sending it out over e-mail. If you aren't getting it by e-mail and would like to, let me know and I can add you to the distribution list. Also, if you can think of anyone who would like to be added to the list, please give me their e-mail address and I can add them.

You can e-mail me at alnowatzki2@hotmail.com.
________________________________
Kooky Bible Quote of the Week (1/10/04)

From 1 Corinthians 14:34-35:

"Women should be silent during the church meetings. They are not to take part in the discussion, for they are subordinate to men as the Scriptures also declare. If they have any questions to ask, let them ask their husbands at home, for it is improper for women to express their opinions in church meetings."

The Word of the Lord.

Right?

Well, here's the thing. All of the bible bangers and fundamentalist kooks (I'm looking in your direction, Dubya) babble on and on about how the bible was written by God through man. But does anyone today really think that women shouldn't speak in church? Does anyone think that God actually believes that? And if God doesn't believe that now, but did at the time ... does that mean that God changes God's mind? God's a waffler?

I think that we would all agree that this is an outdated quote. But if this is outdated, and we can all agree on that, why do some people insist that other antiquated passages are still relevant (Justice Scalia, I'm lookin' at you, brotha)? Why is homosexuality a sin, but women speaking in church isn't? Plenty of Christian's gamble weekly, but if they hear that you don't go to church once a week they brand you a sinner.

I have yet to come across a single passage in the New Testament regarding homosexuality. All of that fire from the sky, pillar of salt bullshit is in the Old Testament. So is the passage where it says that if a man touches a menstruating women he is impure until he washes himself and burns his clothes (or does he have to burn himself and wash his clothes? I can never remember).

OK, so homosexuality is still an abomination, even though there's no mention of it in the New Testament. But women speaking in church is OK, even though there's this explicit passage in the New Testament commanding them to shut up and ask their husbands when they get home (which, by the way, assumes that every woman has a husband ... another antiquated notion that you think our Almighty Father would have thought about before he put it in writing).

So ... in summary: The bible is not a dead document. We agree that there are irrelevant passages, and if there are some irrelevant passages, then we have to at least consider the possibility that it is all irrelevant. That's a hard thing to do, but once we can do it we realize that the bible is not written in stone, that there are good points and bad points.

Do I pick and choose the parts of the bible that I follow? Sure I do. So do you. So does the Pope. So do your mothers and fathers and pastors and priests.

The question we need to ask is this: Which passages hurt people and which passages don't?

I believe that's all that matters.

Peace,

al
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The "What we Should do to Saddam" contest was supposed to be over at the new year, but Matt Long (America's favorite open mic gadfly) just keeps on keeping on with the suggestions. So I've decided to extend the contest. The final submission date is now January 22nd (my birthday). On that day I will pick from all suggestions and rate which is best. The winner will get a life-time supply of pride and sense of accomplishment.

Without further adieu, here are Matt Long's ten suggestions of ways to punish Saddam:
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My ten punishments:

1. Stunt double in prison for Enron's Kenneth Lay (wait, did he walk? Does anyone remember the real news?).

2. New president of Iran so we can shoot not just civilians but a showdown sequel as we fail there as well.

3. Joe Millionaire- now the "moral conundrums' of the emptiest show doubles: which is more important to reality show skanks; perceived moula or status as mass murdering dictator?

4. Straight Dictator for the Queer Oppressed-He gets five gay men and shows them how to apply for and receive "Deal of the Century' armaments from the US and later use them to hold slayings and a authoritarian regime (turns out obtaining such weaponry is like applying for student loans without all the red tape).

5. While awaiting execution, provides much needed diversity and perspective as latest artist for Def Row Records.

6. Flight school instructor for the FAA in Florida to guarantee future threats to justify a Cold War sized military budget.

7. Two years shock jock community service- Peoria, IL.'s only late night HAMAS advocate!

8. Send back to Iraq as a civilian; we'll accidentally kill him sometime probably in the next week.

9. Force him to do an hour of his best uncopyrighted material in front of Robin Williams.

10. Hold him until elections; if W. steals another election, the worst thing he can do is be forced to live here. Caves are rent free; let him manage apartment bills in a jobless recovery.

__

Thank you Matt. Number 8 is in the running and may just knock Kris Kerzman off his high and mighty pedestal. Only time will tell.

Here is the latest submission in my "What we Should do to Saddam" contest. This one comes from the Westward Ho MC legend, Matt Long. Matt joins us from beautiful Seattle.

"I think, as a punishment for Saddam, he should be forced to be the US Ambassador to the European Union. I think we pay those guys like 16 grand a year."

.... his stand-up is a lot funnier, trust me.

All joking aside, I'm going to give that an 8 out of 10. I'd love to see Saddam serving Schroeder and Chirac, and not just in a sexual way.

Only two days left in the contest. Please e-mail me your ideas on how to punish Saddam and I'll pick a winner and forward that list on to God. My e-mail address is: alnowatzki2@hotmail.com

Oh, I just read something interesting. In 1983, Donald Rumsfeld gave Saddam Hussein a pair of golden spurs. They used to be so chummy!

Oh, here's something else, 88% of Americans will save less than $100 on their 2006 federal tax returns as a result of Bush's tax cuts. And the average amount of money that 88% will save is $4.00. That's not a typo.

Those figures are from the October issue of Harper's, in case you're wondering.

I guess I'd better get back to work.

Christmas was great, wasn't it?

But I can't help but feel like a hypocrite. Here I am, always talking about peace and love and good will toward men, women, animals, but then I go and blow money on gifts for people that have so much already.

I can't help but ask, What Would Jesus Do with his money? I'm not sure that he'd be buying much of anything. He'd probably go volunteer at a soup kitchen somewhere, and spend all of his money on clothes for the homeless or presents for orphans. Jesus was that odd character in history that actually practiced what he preached.

So on Christmas day, I feel a little funny that so many Christians, instead of helping out the least among us, spend so much money on lavish gifts for their friends and families -- people who usually have enough already. So many Christians, not practicing what Jesus preached. In fact, pretty much practicing the opposite, and on his birthday no less!

Wouldn't it be great if everyone just took all that money and gave it to homeless shelters, humane societies, and the Green Party?

And yes, I'm a hypocrite for suggesting this. I spent plenty of money on gifts for people who already have enough. What troubles me, is that think I feel worse about it than most people who are capital "C" Christians.

My friend's family one year, instead of buying gifts, gave all of their money to charity. I can only imagine how good that must have felt. I want to know how good that feels. Maybe next year...

peace and love,

al

Here is the lastest submission in the "What we Should do to Saddam" contest.

Today's ideas come from my friend Kris Kerzman. Enjoy!

1) Rumsfeld vs. Hussein: mud wrasslin' to the death!

2) Set him up with a Yahoo! email account that doesn't allow him to delete spam.

3) Have his eyes peeled open, a la "A Clockwork Orange," and have him watch nothing but Lifetime and reruns of "Will and Grace."

4) Make him listen to Mannheim Steamroller.

5) Have him head America's new "Jihad on Drugs." Then we'll have someone to blame.

6) Tell him to find our weapons of mass destruction. If we find his first, he buys the beer.

7) Switch out his DSL with dial up! He'll be so pissed!

I'd like to thank Kris for his ideas. Great stuff. I'm going to give the list an overall 8 1/2. Number 6 though gets a 9 1/2, so that is the new high score! Congrats Kris!

I will be accepting submissions until the end of the year. At that time I will crown the winner and forward the complete list on to the Stonemason's corporate office in Rome. There, they will decide what to do with Saddam and also whether or not this will truly be the last season of Friends.

So my brother went to church last weekend.

No, that's not the joke.

He went to church and the priest told the congregation to pray for the sugar beet farmers in the area because there's a possibility that the free trade agreements that are threatening to make North, Central and South America a veritable orgy of rampant unapologetic capitalism (the kind that causes people to loose farms and corporations to move factories to nations that are plump full of poor citizens that will gladly work for 10 bucks a week ... that kind of capitalism) will pass. And I know you're all thinking, "But Al, if they want to work for 10 bucks a week, that's their choice."

Sure, and if extremely rich American corporations want to pay them 10 bucks a week, that's their choice too. So who has the power to make a morally sound decision here? The poor and destitute who will do anything to feed their family (even if they're still living in squalor and have no social or financial security), or the fuck-face in the Gucci suit in New York?

Fucking fuck-faces.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so my brother's in church and the priest tells everyone to pray for the farmers. Well that's all well and good, but did this man of the cloth also tell them to vote Democrat? I mean shit, we need someone in office who will actually give a rip-shit about the farmers in his own God-blessed country, instead of making sure that his fellow Gucci-laden fuck-faces get that new yacht they've been dreaming about (assuming Gucci-laden fuck-faces can dream about anything other than stepping on the necks of the lower class).

No, the priest did not encourage the congregation to write letters to Bush, urging him to stop his trade negotiations. He didn't tell them to vote for someone like Kucinich, who will not only refuse to make these nation-raping agreements, but said that he would also dissolve NAFTA (would anyone be disappointed about that ... really?) Nope, he just said to pray for the farmers. Do you want to know why?

Abortion and homosexuality.

Think about it. It makes sense.

Any comments? Any submissions in the "How to Punish Saddam" contest? E-mail me at alnowatzki2@hotmail.com

Here is the first submission in the "What we should to do Saddam" contest. A friend of mine (who will remain anonymous), said that to torture Saddam, we should put him on a certain e-mail distribution list. An e-mail from that list is included below. It kind of reminds me of the time that I died and went to hell and all I got to do was read e-mails like this one.

All names and places have been changed to protect the inane. Here it is:

------------------
Hello!
I haven't had it this cold in a long time. When I got home from work this morning it was -16 degrees and with the windchill it was -25. On our walk this morning Rex froze his paws six times. He lifts up his front paws and sits like a gopher while you massage his paws and warm them up. He even started crying and whimpering twice about his paws. It's even too cold for him. Then on our second walk he froze them a few times and once even just laid down on the ground on his back and let me massage all four! What can I say, he's very spoiled! I made the mistake of picking up a nice hot coffee on the way home this morning and wasn't able to fall asleep until almost 11:30. By that point I was so tired that I just felt drunk and really out of it. I slept until almost 3:30 and Rex and I have just laid around all day. It's too cold to do anything. Our high temp this afternoon was 0.&nb! sp; It makes me really want to move back to Miami. There is no way that this weather is healthy for a person. Bob comes home on Saturday morning until Monday. He flies into Duluth tomorrow night and will ride with a friend back to Fargo. That will be nice, but I work nights all weekend. Hopefully I might get to stay home one night, but everyone is staying home sick lately so I have actually been able to work. Well, we have no christmas plans yet. Bob will probably get to Fargo on the 23rd and we will hopefully figure the rest out this weekend. Well, I think Rex and I are going to try and go to bed. Talk to ya all later.
Bye,
Sara and Rex
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Oh, the agony! I give this an 8 out of ten, be degree of justice-serving. If you have a submission, please e-mail me at alnowatzki2@hotmail.com. Hopefully I can compile a list and present it to the board of directors of Halliburton, who will decide the eventual punishment of Saddam Hussein, then dine on his carcass while drinking champagne bought with the blood of Iraqi children.

Ain't progress grand?

Here is my impression of the Stock Market today:

"We got him! Yeah, gimme a high five baby! Man our military is so fucking awesome. Saddam will forever be the captive of a intensely capitalistic and increasingly imperialistic nation. And Iraq is now so much safer for Coca-Cola, McDonald's and Old Navy."

"Old Navy, Old Navy, performance Jilbabs!"

"Yep, we got him all right."

"So...um...how are things?"

"Oh, I'm all right. Did you see S&P? He's not looking bad, but c'mon, we just won a war ... again! He could put a little more pep in his step, I think."

"Well, DOW, that's easy for you to say, Mr. 10K Milestone."

"It's not a game, NASDAQ ... you look good too, just for the record."

"Whoa! What was that!"

"What?"

"I though I just saw a red line there for a second."

"Nonsense, we got him, remember? We Got Him!"

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. But I just get this sinking feeling, ya know? Like there's something more to life than killing thousands of innocent Iraqis just to get one dictator out of power."

"Stop it! That's crazy talk! Keep your head in the game!"

"Yeah, I guess your -- holy shit! Did you see that?"

"What now?"

"I thought I just saw an extremely high unemployment rate."

"I didn't see anything."

"Hey, how the hell did we get under this red line thingy?"

"I don't know. Who cares? I'm sure we'll get over it tomorrow. I'm thirsty, you?"

"Kind of."

"Wanna go rape an oil well?"

And that was my impression of the Stock Market on December 22, 2003. Thank you.

If anyone has any thoughts on what they would like to see done to Saddam, e-mail me at alnowatzki2@hotmail.com and let me know. I'll post anything (I mean anything) I get on here and then rate them on a scale of 1 to 10, by degree of justice-serving.

Bring 'em on ... the e-mails, I mean.

I was watching Scrubs the other day and there was a great line on there: "Maybe the dirty little secret about sex, is that it's not all that dirty."

I love Scrubs.

Man, I hope they just gut Saddam, ya know? I hope they gas him so his eyes fall out and then jab ice picks into his ... you know. And then they should brand him with the American flag, right on his forehead! And as a final act, they should take him to a public Baghdad square, lay him face down, stick an American flag in his ass, blow his brains out and then bronze the body where it lay, so the Iraqi people (the ones that are alive, anyway) can forever have a testament to AMERICAN POWER!!!

Or, and I think this is a better idea, they should just strip him naked and have cameras on him 24/7. Broadcast it on the Naked Saddam Channel (NSC: all Naked Saddam, all the time!), for all the world to tune in. That, my friends, would be justice.

I realize my first blog seemed kind of blasphemous. Let me explain: When the Beatles said they were "Bigger than Jesus" they meant that it seemed as if more people cared about the Beatles, than cared about Jesus. Well the media (which was conservative then ... kind of like now) jumped on this and said the Beatles were blaspheming. This was mainly because they threatened conservative America, what with their hip shaking, drug taking and peace-nicking. The media said that the Beatles thought they were more important than Jesus, which is obviously not the case (though, there have been less wars waged in the name of the Beatles).

So see, I was joking; saying that I thought I was actually more important than Jesus. I know that I'm not. Vishnu, on the other hand, can't hold a candle to me. Stupid sexy deity.

peace,

al

This is blog ... sorry, I mean God. This blog is bigger than Jesus, and by that I mean more important.

He's a blogger, she's a blogger, I'm a blogger too. It seems like the whole bloggin' world is just bloggin' along on their blogs. I think "blog" should be the new smurf - ya know, like the new all-purpose verb?

"I blogged the dishes yesterday and then I blogged my mistress while my wife was blogging at the mall. Man I love bloggin crank of that whores back. Blogs me every time."

Like that, ya know?

This blog will consist mostly of stuff I blog at work. I'm not supposed to use the internet for personal reasons at work, so most of my blogs will be blogging short.

Well ... I guess blog is also an all-purpose adjective too.

Peace.